It’s been a difficult realization for me, and one I am still struggling with. I’m drinking too much these days, nothing dangerous, nothing horribly out of character, but I know the sadness is driving me to it. I’ve never been a problem drinker before and I wouldn’t classify myself that way now. But there’s no denying that it helps to smooth the rough edges. At the same time, it makes me cry harder. Earlier, after a drink or two, I found myself on the verge of grabbing him and holding onto him as tightly as I could.
But right now, I don’t think I can do that. We’re not officially “reconciling” until he commits to this 100%. The last time we talked about it, after my therapy session, he told me once more that while he still loves me, he loves her, too. His heart is split in half. If I can’t have all of him, he can’t have all of me, either.
It’s horribly unfair that it has to be this way. I shouldn’t be trapped in a marriage with someone I can’t trust, who only half wants to be here, someone with whom I must separate emotionally so he understands that I’m not to be taken for granted. Where am I supposed to turn? He still has her. I have no one.
But that’s the way things are.
We’re not reconciling, but we’re not separating, either. His mother’s visiting next week. After she’s gone, I’m going to consult with a lawyer and make sure that James knows that I’m doing it. I’m going to explain to him that I want to reconcile, and if we do, if he commits to it, I will put 100% of my effort into being the best wife I can possibly be, and meeting all his needs. But until then, I can’t. I have to focus on taking care of myself.
If nothing’s changed after the holidays, I will ask him to take steps towards independence. Getting a job, moving into the spare bedroom, whatever it takes to make him understand I am serious.
Whatever happens, I know I’ll never be able to forget what he’s capable of. And that’s the deepest cut of all.