I’m letting go of the delusion that I can control what he feels.
I’m letting go of the delusion that I can control what he does.
I’m letting go of the assumption that there is, or should be, any logic involved in his decision-making (as I see it).
I am preparing myself for every eventuality. I’m accepting that the future is unclear. That his choices are his to make, and I am similarly free to pursue my own happiness.
Last night, I shared the letter that I put in my last post. It went badly enough that I’m no longer sure of the future of our relationship. Based on conversations we’d had before, I thought we were on the road to recovery. I was starting to feel safe again, in a small way. But it might have been wishful thinking, or maybe I talked him into saying things he didn’t mean. Or maybe he meant them then, but doesn’t now. I don’t know.
At the moment I am following the advice in the book Not Just Friends, and not making any rash decisions so soon after finding out. But today, I feel much readier to leave - if necessary - than I did the day before. I’m feeling that strange of sense of relief that comes when the unthinkable happens. When your worst nightmare comes to pass, but you come out the other side and discover you’re still alive. Worse for the wear, certainly, but you survived. And if you can survive that, you can survive anything.