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Friday, November 15, 2013

Before and after

I can’t think of a poetic way to put this, but I wanted to share something that’s been helpful to me in the last few days. I’ve stumbled across little things, again and again, that remind me of how things were “before.” Which is to say, before I found out. Before the affair, too, but what comfort is that when I’m left wondering what I was doing wrong back then, to eventually drive him out of my arms?

I’ve started realizing - consciously - every time I see an old photograph or a Facebook update or a forum post or ANYTHING that reminds me of “before,” I tell myself it’s an artificial distinction. He was the same person back then, who was doing everything that I know about now. Not to try and poison the past, but to be realistic. And it’s a strangely comforting thought.

I have this tendency to try and escape into invented realities. I remember, a long time ago, back when I was working a retail job I hated - “before” - he once expressed surprise that I had to work the next morning. “I thought you had the day off,” he said. I replied: “man, I wish I lived in your reality!” Like it would do me any good. But that was what ran through my head - if only I lived in that nonexistent world where I don’t have to work tomorrow.

This is just more of the same. There’s no reality where he doesn’t cheat on me. That world doesn’t exist. It’s happened, it was happening while other things also happened, there’s no use in trying to escape back into a comforting lie. 


His mother’s gone back home. It was a strain, trying to pretend like everything was normal…but at the same time, it’s what we’re doing anyway. No one with a hidden camera in the house would guess that our marriage is falling apart.

I wanted to tell her, but she is sick with worry over James’ sister already, her anxiety and depression reaching another fever pitch that is interfering with her life, and nothing makes a mother feel more helpless than that. James’ mom isn’t the dramatic type, but I heard her cry on the phone to her daughter the other night. She is worried and hurting, unable to alleviate her daughter’s suffering. I can’t burden her any further, even if it means taking more of a burden on myself. I know that’s not fair, but it’s also not fair that she should carry it.

And yes, I know I didn’t create this burden. All the same, I don’t feel I can pass it on to someone already struggling. 

I’ve successfully withdrawn as much as I can at this point. Trying to “get out and live my life” as much as possible. Might go to the library to work tomorrow, just to prove (to both of us) that I can do something on my own. Since we moved here, I’ve hardly left the house on my own. Just being able to say “I’ll be gone for a while, bye” will feel like a small triumph. I’ve signed up for a beginner’s yoga class as well. Might join up with a local gym - a different one from his. He’s gone to his gym with HER. I’ll never set foot in that place.

And so far, he’s simply falling in line. Doesn’t try to kiss or touch me anymore. Didn’t say “I love you” when I got out of the car this morning for my therapist appointment. He is still acting as interested and engaged in our life together as ever, planning dinner and starting conversations about everything BUT our marriage. I don’t know what this means. I didn’t expect him to start chasing after me immediately, but I also don’t know how long I can go on like this. I need him to show some intention of doing SOMETHING.

I guess there’s nothing to do but wait.

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