I keep wondering things. Where did they do the - as he coined it - “some sex stuff?” She lives with her parents. Did they do it in my car? Is that why it always took so long for them to get back from the grocery store? Did they kiss when they went out and walked my dog together, just a few dozen yards from the window above my desk? Is that why, when he’d see her out to her car, I’d notice him glancing back up at my window to see if I was watching? Did he presume to steal a kiss, if possible, right outside our front door?
I don’t want to wonder these things, but I do.
I feel sick to my stomach. We’re watching baseball, and I can barely hold back the tears because she loves baseball. It’s all I can think about. I don’t even know how I’ll react the next time I see a movie or a TV show that features an infidelity plot line.
In retrospect of course I realize that I “let” them get too close. Scare quotes because, honestly, what could I have done? I don’t know. I truly don’t know anymore. I used to think that people would cheat if they wanted to cheat, and the circumstances didn’t matter - that is, forbidding friendships etc. wouldn’t have any effect. And now, I don’t know anymore. If I had told him I didn’t feel comfortable, if I’d snooped earlier and nipped this in the bud, could I have stopped what happened?
Should I have?
Now, because of this - as horrible as it is - I understand how dire some of the problems in our relationship were, that I’d been ignoring. I know the cheating was his choice, but I also understand why he made that choice. No, I’m not supportive all the time. I’m not easy to be with. But at the same time, it’s hideously unfair to compare a brand new, exciting, illicit relationship to one that’s firmly entrenched in the sometimes-unpleasant realities of day-to-day life together.
I don’t know how to walk the line between sticking up for my needs, and acknowledging my shortcomings in our relationship that led to us growing apart. I don’t know how to be a better wife without feeling like I’m begging and scraping for a cheater to stay with me.
Can i suggest...woryy about sticking up for yourself first, before addressing your own shortcomings of a wife. He may still be "foggy" and thus latch onto an excuse to why he cheated (you made me do it!). I think dealing with day to day issues before dealing with the affair is like treating an accident victims broken leg and ignoring his shattered skull.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad to see you found SI. I'm a former wayward so i can't post in jfo (I'm LovesLaboursLost), but welcome. :-)
Thank you, I needed to hear that. We got some good stuff aired in therapy today. The therapist called him out (nicely) as being selfish and he agreed, but we also realized I have been selfish too. And it took me a long time to get over my selfishness to give him what he needed (for me to go into therapy - which I did earlier this year, before any of this stuff happened). So I can't necessarily expect instant results, as much as I want them. The fog needs time to lift.
DeleteUgh. He's outside walking the dog, and I'm positive he's talking to her right now, explaining that they're not supposed to communicate for the next week. (Therapist got him to agree to a trial no-contact, if you want to call it that.) He keeps going on and on about how he doesn't want to hurt her. Well, it's too late for that. When he let things go this far, he knew there was no realistic outcome where she wouldn't get hurt. He thinks I don't care about her feelings. I do. I recognize that she's a human being who made a very bad mistake, and I didn't want her to get hurt either! That's why I kept quiet about this friendship for so long, even when I knew it was inappropriate. I even thought about trying to hide my knowledge of the affair. That's how much I hate confrontation. But I need to get over that, because ultimately, my fear of talking about ANYTHING is hurting me, him, and my marriage.
I'm just now starting to venture outside of JFO, lots of good resources out there. I'm going to be stocking up on some books soon. Love the explanation of "the fog," it was such a relief to learn that phenomenon was normal.
Does he understand how much he is hurting you? Honestly, who cares about her feelings? She knew he was married and got involved with him anyway. Boohoo. What I'm hearing from your description is that he doesn't want to lose his wife OR his girlfriend. He may have agreed that he is selfish, but this shows he is still foggy and does not get it.
DeleteYou might want to ask other betrayed spouses how they handled this situation....there are several on SI who finally had to walk away for the wayward to REALLY get it. If you want to save it, you gotta be willing to lose it.
I know you literally just found out...i think you are doing so well. Remember, you will be ok no matter what.
I think he understands better now. After he talked to her, he was very shaken and he finally opened up and said that he understands this realistically ISN'T going to be a temporary thing. He feels terrible that he broke his promise to me, and he feels terrible that he broke his promise to her that he'd always be her friend, and never abandon her. He understands it's HIS fault that he has to cut off their friendship, and as silly that it might seem, I feel terrible for her too. I know what it's like to have an inappropriate "friendship" attachment to someone, and even though it wasn't to a married man in my case (and I was a teenager, not in my 20s, but I digress!) I completely understand how devastating the experience of the NC is.
DeleteAll that aside, though, yes he is considering my feelings a lot more now. I think therapy helped a lot, because I was able to open up about a lot of my feelings TO my therapist, but in FRONT of James. Things I wouldn't necessarily feel comfortable saying directly to his face, I could say in that environment. So he gets it now.
I know I'm not "supposed" to feel bad for her, and it's not my job or whatever, but I do. She has a lot of the same mental illness issues that I do (what can I say, he has a type) so I understand that sometimes you make horrible decisions just because you think they'll make you feel better for a little while. I really hope she gets real help and a healthy relationship with someone who will be available for her.
Also: if she lives with her parents,consider telling them. I'm a mother and I would be LIVID at my daughter if she were doing this. Affairs happen in secret little bubbles...pop the bubble. Hold them accountable. GL.
ReplyDeleteHmm. I would not have thought of that. I don't know if it would be constructive; I just know that her relationship with her family is strained, no idea if there might be abuse issues or something more serious that I'm not really acquainted with. Not sure if I want to get involved...but I see your point.
DeleteHope this helps:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html
Telling her mom would hurt her but could be helpful. I only mention hurting her because I get the sense that your husband would not respond well to that action. If they won't stay away from each other this week, I would tell her mom and suffer the consequences. How much worse could it get? (This is just what *I* would do. You said you do want confrontation.)
I would hate to have to consider her feelings. The idea puts a bad taste in my mouth and makes me feel angry and want to yell.
Praying for your strength. ~Good Wife
Thank you! I am building quite the reading list. While we were hashing things out, he spilled that he got me a Kindle Paperwhite for our anniversary next week...weirdly appropriate, since now I'm going to buying and reading every infidelity-related book under the sun.
DeleteI know it probably seems insane, but I care deeply about people's feelings, even if they're someone who has hurt me or someone I have no reason to care about. It's just who I am, and it's not a virtue by any means. It causes me a lot of problems. I just can't switch it off, though it's something I am working on in therapy. It often keeps me from doing things I know I need to do, and holds me back - this being a prime example of that.